


Cheese Dreams!

by RedChucks



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Humour, M/M, Rimming, Sex, crack!, dear god forgive me, nipple pinching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 15:46:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19176424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedChucks/pseuds/RedChucks
Summary: Warning: This is absolute ridiculous, not to be taken seriously, terrible crack! Please don't read unless you're ready for Bainbridge and Fossil getting it on under the influence of cheese, because that's all that's going on here. It's silly, should not be taken seriously, and was written to be kinda gross and over the top, not sexy. I am already embarrassed and I haven't even posted it yet.Written for the BringingBackTheBoosh prompt: Altered Consciousness.





	Cheese Dreams!

Dixon Bainbridge stumbled through the zoo, his mind bubbling like an overfilled fondu pot, boiling over with delicious, obscene, unfocused images. He tried to think, to recall what he’d had to eat or drink that might be causing such a reaction, but his mind was a blur. He could recall that they were preparing to sell the zoo. Fossil has been there, and those idiots from the road company, and he’d been ready to sign the paperwork and run off to Costa Rica with the cash, but something had gone wrong... someone else had been there...

Howard Moon! he realised with a surge of rage, grasping at the ivy covered wall closest to him to support his increasingly uncooperative limbs. Howard Moon had been there, and his little girlfriend too. Dixon felt a strange bubbling of lust overtake him at the thought of that little hussy; Howard’s little miss, always following him about and smiling so coyly. But she always demurred, refused his advances, hid behind that buffoon, Howard Moon! 

Oh God, he was hard! Bainbridge presses his hand to his long mover, his windy man, as Fossil called it, but it wasn’t winding now, it was as hard as an obelisk, harder than it had ever been before, and his body was burning and melting all at once, overcome with sensation! What had Moon done to him, to cause such a reaction? 

He wracked his brain as his body wracked him with it’s need to rut and rail, until he finally remembered: Moon had offered him cheese! Jungle cheese, he’d called it, and Dixon gasped as his masterful meat grew harder still, as if the realisation itself had increased his arousal. He was off his tits on cheese!

He’d never heard of an aphrodisiac cheese before but it was the only possible explanation. It was probably how Moon got that little filly to follow after him and permit to being ridden by such an oaf. Oh god he wanted to ride something right now! 

The cheese was making him randier than anything he’d ever experienced and colours were dancing in front of his vision. Where was he? Where had he been walking before the effects of the cheese had hit him so completely? He thought maybe he’d been on his way out of the zoo, confused by his own behaviour, his deep and twattish thoughts on the meaning of reality and time and existence and mortality. He’d been at the gate, but was he really at the gates? He’d been walking, but was he really walking?

 _‘Fossil’_ , he recalled thinking, but he couldn’t be sure why he’d thought such a thing, or how the blue suited imbecile might possibly help. He just recalled thinking the name Fossil over and over, picturing the creature’s rotund face and body in his mind as his hazy, out of control thoughts solidified in to a deep, craving, desperate need.

He pushed himself away from the wall, stumbling onwards through the zoo. The only thing in focus was the door to Fossil’s office and he made a beeline for it, as best as he could, stumbling along on legs like cheese string, pinching at nipples that seemed to have become as hard and red as baby bells, moaning at his own ministrations. Cheese! he thought hazily. He was off his gouda fucking tits on cheese! The voice in his head had taken on a strange tone, a husky, unhinged tone that he could almost remember. 

_‘Look within yourself, Bainbridge. Ooh, Cheese! Look within and see what you want! Cheesy! Thick and viscous! Look within and then put yourself within the one you desire! Ooh, such base desires! Bite in to it, Bainbridge! Bite in to the sharp, cheddar cheese dream! Relive yourself of your most depraved creamy cravings! Do it, Bainbridge, turn Fossil in to your deep fried cheese stuffed croquette! Give yourself over to me!’_

Bainbridge was aware of the whimper that escaped his lips but chose to ignore it. His fist had closed over the door knob and he slid his hand around it, imagining it was something else, humping against the wood as he struggled to open the damned door. 

His grin had turned rictus by the time he’d forced his way inside, his skin sweating like a cheese single and he giggled like a deranged chimp as he lurched forward, his eyes locked on the shocked face and wobbling belly of Bob Fossil leaping up from his desk. 

“Ma- ma Bainbridge!” Fossil squealed. “What’s wrong, ma Bainbridge? What’s happened to ya, ma squeeze king? Did ya miss ya little Bobby muffin?”

Bainbridge knew that under normal circumstances he would answer such an uncouth mangling of the English language with a swift cockpunch, but not today. His mouth was watering and the longer he stared the more he realised that Bobby, in his too tight trousers, really did look like a fat little muffin. A cheese and ham muffin. And he wanted to eat him whole!

“Ah, Fossil,” he growled, crossing the distance between them and pushing his hapless assistant against the desk, grinding their groins together and holding Fossil’s arms by his sides. God it felt good to have control like this! But he knew that in reality it wasn’t him but the cheese that was controlling their actions. The cheese... or something else. “Be a good boy,” he grunted as he rutted against the belly of his subordinate, “turn around and get yourself ready! Ah!”

He cried out as he felt his trousers actually rip under the strain of his monstrous sausage, and Fossil squealed, squirming in his arms desperately. He needed subduing, Bainbridge’s brain told him, needed to be owned and cowed and, needed Bainbridge to show him just who he belonged to. And with that point pushing at the feta of his mind Bainbridge lunged forward to capture Fossil’s plump lips in a bruising kiss.

He tasted of parmesan and at any other time Bainbridge would have recoiled and retched at such foulness, but the cheesy, putrid flavour sent a white hot jolt to his balls and he pushed his tongue in roughly, ignoring Fossil’s attempts to fend him off, kissing and biting and tonguing him until the weak minded fool beneath him relented and surrendered to the kiss, moaning and rubbing against him like a cat in heat.

Fossil wanted it. Of course he wanted it, everyone at the zoo knew it, everyone who’d ever heard Fossil speak for longer than five minutes knew it! So Bainbridge decided to do them both a favour and just get on with it, grabbing the blue shirt and ripping it open, ignoring Fossil’s scream of, “My buttons!” and instead grabbing the man’s nipples in his hands and twisting them viciously. His tongue was still forcing its way to the back of Fossil’s mouth and the man was useless under such persuasion and quickly began moving with more vigour against Bainbridge, and then, eventually, began to turn his hips, showing that he was ready for the filling that Bainbridge intended to give him.

He stepped back, watching Fossil squirm as he gasped and fumbled for the button of his trousers, hidden as it was by his ample stomach, and decided to help him along, grabbing the suddenly delicious looking belly in both hands and squeezing. The fool’s slacks and pants were then down in an instant and Bainbridge was able to manhandle him around until he was braced against his desk, arse in the air and face flushed in anticipation.

Bainbridge stared at the fuzzy cheeks on display before him, like two full fat rounds of cheese, his brain supplied, and he felt another fierce jolt of lust take hold of his balls. He took hold of Fossil’s arse cheeks and began to squeeze and knead, just as he’d done with the man’s stomach, and grinned so wide his moustache was near dislodged from his lip when he heard Fossil’s groan of pleasure. He sounded like one the mutants and Bainbridge had always wondered what that would be like. 

He released the flies of his own trousers hurriedly, the aching need growing stronger with every passing second, and his trousers, already torn from the strength of his cheese induced arousal, fell away easily, exposing him to the humid air of Fossil’s office. He let out a moan of his own when the constraints were finally removed and his flushed trunk swung free, standing out larger and more swollen than he had ever seen it before. His vision was blurring again, focusing only on the arse before him and the puckered pink ring at its centre, half obscured by sweat matted hair but to Bainbridge’s cheese addled mind utterly sublime and exactly what he needed.

He looked around hazily for something to lubricate his entrance, not for Fossil’s benefit, the man seemed to get harder the more pain he was put through, but because he wanted a smooth ride. He gazed across Fossil’s desk but there was nothing there save for papers covered in the idiot’s ramblings and crayon drawings and he couldn’t bring himself to let go of Fossil’s juicy arse cheeks to search the rest of the office and the bubbling, boiling pot of cheese that had once been his brain was demanding that he do Something! To fuck or suck or screw with his tongue! Anything to settle the scalding in his veins!

He bent forward, pulling Fossil’s hips up and his cheeks further apart, as he swooped down to prepare his hapless underling, rubbing his face forward and giving a bellowing laugh when his moustache scratched at Fossil’s sensitive flesh and made him shriek and squirm. His brain began to pop and crackle, so loud it was almost enough to block out the noise that Fossil was making, until Bainbridge added his tongue to the mix, delving in to the heavy, dark tasting hole, spitting and licking and spearing with abandon until his throbbing cock reminded him that he needed more, that the magic or juju or drug that had been slipped to him with the cheese wouldn’t wear off until he had satisfied the madness and lust and raging arousal. 

Deciding that Fossil was wet and ready enough for his purpose he straightened his spine and lined himself up. His snake seemed larger than he’d ever seen it, especially as it rested against the tight ring of Fossil’s anus, and to Bainbridge’s addled mind it appeared to be undulating, preparing itself, and Bainbridge knew he couldn’t keep it waiting. He pushed in hard, hearing the man beneath him scream. 

“Oh! Oh yeah! Oh it hurts so good! Oh ma Bainbridge! Oh a little to the left! Ooh! Ooh Bainy Baby! Oh yeah! Fuck me like last week’s meatloaf!”

He gave another harsh, hysterical laugh at the words coming from Fossil’s cake hole, slapping the man’s arse as he fucked in to him again and again, riding him hard. He finally had his own filly, his own pretty little slut to fuck and ride. He threw his head back and let out a guttural moan, focusing now on the tightness of the muscles around him, the pulling, sucking, squelch of Fossil’s body. He was deliciously plump, all over, inside and out, like a wheel of brie, and the heat of him was melting Bainbridge’s ability to control his spiraling arousal.

“That’s right, you little bitch!” he gasped raggedly, pinching and pulling at Bobby’s love handles. “Take it all. Take my cheese! Cheese! Cheese!”

His hips began to snap more violently and he felt sure that his orgasm would arrive within seconds but it seemed ever out of reach, like an exotic cheese kept behind glass. His body shoved harder and harder in to Fossil at that thought, of cheese! Melting, sliding, squelching cheese! His meat pounded harder, his meat, like cheese - cheese was a kind of meat - he was becoming cheese! Or was he pounding the cheese? He was off his uncle-fracking tits on cheese! His vision clouded completely, leaving his world a creamy yellow, a yellow, creamy, cheese! Oh, cheese!

He was only vaguely aware of Fossil beneath him now, howling and begging and flat against the desk, legs jerking as he tried to find leverage, slipping in his ruined blue trousers, but Bainbridge didn’t care. He was deep in the cheese dream, his blood boiling and popping like exploding oil from grilled, delicious, all consuming cheese. His eyes rolled back in to his head, tongue lolling from the side of his mouth as he thrust and thrust and slapped and slapped, begging to be released, yet never wanting the feeling to end.

He grabbed hold of one thick thigh and hoisted Fossil higher, hearing the hideous blue trousers tear completely but not caring. All he cared about was the fact that now he could go in deeper and that now Fossil was able to thrust back against him, drawing him in so deep he thought he might never find his way out. They rutted like animals, howling and screeching, until Bainbridge began to lose control of his limbs, his rhythm faltering, his breath refusing to come. He was going to faint, he realised, but he couldn’t! He was Dixon Bainbridge! A man of the world, a man of action! Real men didn’t faint, especially not during sex.

He opened his eyes and looked down at the body beneath him, his engorged cock sliding in and out of Fossil’s red and thoroughly stretched hole, and his vision began to clear. And with it an added layer of sensation crashed down upon him, storming through his nerves like a lightening bolt, and forcing his orgasm to finally erupt. His hot, sticky fluid gushed forth, filling Fossil, who squealed and begged, but Bainbridge couldn’t understand what he was saying. He pumped and pumped until he felt drained, but somehow the feeling didn’t fade. He pulled out, the shlick of his still hard monster making him feel slightly ill, and the feeling increased when he saw the gooey cheese of his pleasure leaking from Fossil’s gaping maw. 

He stumbled backwards, disgusted and filled with cupidity and hunger. He’d enjoyed it, he’d loved it, he wanted to do it again, but the cheese was ebbing in his system, and he was left shaken and confused and filled with an emotion that he guessed might be shame. It wasn’t an emotion he was familiar with. He didn’t like it. Howard Moon would pay for this, he told himself, thinking back over the afternoon’s events clearly for the first time. Howard Moon and that little filly of his. 

Bainbridge felt his cock twitch in response to that thought, to the thought of Moon’s slutty tramp, and looked down to realise that he had taken himself in hand, and that he was still as hard as a rock. It didn’t seem right, didn’t seem possible, but even as he thought it he felt the bubbling sensation begin to rise again, overtaking him with thoughts of cheese and sex and revenge and cheese, and his Bobby, so open and desperate for him.

Fossil was still splayed out on the desk, humping it pitifully, crying for his own relief, and when Bainbridge returned his hands to Fossil’s round arse cheeks he whinnied and pushed his hips up and back. The strange, unnatural, cheesy spunk was still seeping from his hole and Bainbridge took a moment to rub his purpled helmet through it, wetting his way before he fucked back in, grinning toothily as Fossil squealed for him again. Perhaps it was all a dream, he thought as he began to pound, the lust and need escalating as the cursed cheese continued to plague his mind and body.

Perhaps it was all just a cheese dream and he’d wake up tomorrow with a shed load of cash and no more zoo to bother him, but somehow he didn’t think so. There was a voice in the back of his head, howling and cackling and singing in a disturbing and disturbed voice that cheese was a kind of meat, a tasty yellow beef! and that Bainbridge had drunk it straight from the teat and would never be free. Tommy was in him now and Tommy had always been a twisted bastard. It was why they’d locked him in the Jungle Room in the first place, but he was out now, and Bainbridge would never be able to stop him. He groaned as he realised the truth but he didn’t stop, couldn’t stop. The cheese need was flowing through him and there was no denying it.

His hand slapped Fossil’s arse again but it didn’t feel like his hand. The cheese had altered him, had let Tommy in somehow, and Tommy liked being inside people, liked embarrassing and debasing them. It was why the old pervert had loved Moon, the man could be convinced to do anything and Tommy had made him his bitch. Now, it seemed, it was finally Bainbridge’s turn to be the bitch. Tommy owned him. They were one now. They say you are what you eat and Tommy was deep inside of him.

Beneath them Bob Fossil screeched and came across his desk and then surrendered to their continued anal assault. He, at least, wasn’t complaining. None of them were, the three of them. There was no arguing with cheese, and orgasms, and cheese. And Bainbridge decided that Howard Moon could wait. He and Tommy would get to him eventually. For now he had to pound the cheese and make Bobby scream!

****


End file.
